Depression never really fades away.

Depression never really fades away for good, that is the number one thing I have figured out. So much stuff is constantly happening to me or around its insane! My dad was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes on October 28, 2018 this was a huge shock to us. Thankfully my dad made the right decision to take his medicine after having to decide for days he had a class today i did not attend for i had a Dr appointment to get back on antidepressants. I was so embarrassed to get back on medication yet again this is like the 4th or 5th time i have been on them maybe this time i will stay on them. Not to much else has been on besides the normal work home clean take care of my son and deal with the baby daddy! I hope that everyone is doing well and that nobody else feel as bad as what i have lately.

Park, Trout, Work& Neighbors

Today wasn't near as bad of a day as I had imagined that it would be when I was up at 4:30AM cleaning up puke from James. James hadn't slept well at all last night and with Justin going to a Die Antworth concert i knew he was not going to be of any assistance to me this morning or at all today.. Thankfully luck was in store for me today once James had woken up he was much better still has a runny nose but i'll take that over a belly ache and puke any day! Once Justin and his friends left for Pittsburgh James and I got ready and went to do something fun. We headed to the park something that I don't get to go to very often with James since im always working. We spent quite some time there today will have to include a picture for everyone... After the playground fun I made a pit stop on the way home to glance at some local trout fish you could even feed them for $0.25 which is pretty cheap or at least I think it is.... James has finally awoke from his nap that he took and Justin has finally got a hold of me to tell me that he made it to his concert but of course won't answer any other messages.. I have to be at work at 7:30AM tomorrow and Justin won't be home until like 4am so I hope he gets some much needed sleep on the 6 hour drive back home cause I can't take off for work we are short handed!Speaking of work I finally have a Saturday off again, it's like I have no idea what it feels like then once I get it off it's gone in a quick flash.. I would like to do something fun and adventurous this weekend but I know Justin isn't going to want to do the same truthfully we will probably end up at his dads house instead, ugh!.. I really need a good girls day with Kaitlyn all I ever get done is work, clean, and watch James. Not that watching James is a bad thing I love my son it's just every now and again I really need a break from everything is that so bad of me?..

Oh my goodnes I almost forgot to tell you all when James and I came home from our fun day the annoying neighbor was packing up her belongings outside of her apartment. She was even moving her mattress down the steps to the first floor in her apartment. Im not being a creeper you can hear and see literally everything that goes on up here.. I hope that she is moving because I am so sick and tired of her keeping James and I awake real late of a night, the trash of hers that gets thrown into my yard, the peeping in my windows.And who can forget all the times she has hacked into my wifi! So over this having neighbors! Speaking of neighbors I still have not heard any new word about the trailer that we were suppose to move into this month, go figure right?I would still have neighbors there don't get me wrong but it would be nice to have a new location!

Hey There!

Hey There! Have you missed me? Have you even truly noticed that I have been absent for 4 years? Probably not but I don't really care so I am going to move along with this. I know your first question is where in the world have I been? Rewind back to my last post in 2013 where all I did was work at the bank, well unfortunately not too much has really seemed to have changed in my life but in case you missed it ill give you the update.. In December of 2013 I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant along with being newly pregnant when I went to my first ultrasound they found an ovarian cyst on my right ovary. The cyst had began to grow along with the baby, fast forward to being 13 weeks pregnant my ovarian cyst had twisted and they were unable to see if my baby was safe. Thankfully my son was okay however they had to remove my right ovary and right tube all while being pregnant mind you! That was really rough and i had to give myself estrogen pills for quite sometime during my pregnancy. Towards the end of my pregnancy I developed severe Precampsia and my son had to be taken via an emergency c-section 6 weeks early.. Today my son is 3 years old and is doing extremely well considering everything that has occurred. 

I have been quite lonely here lately things haven't been going to swell in the love world for Justin and I. Lets just say that I work all day everyday except for Sunday while he does whatever he wants to do and often times takes James and stays at his grandmothers while I am left all alone in this crappy apartment. I am not married in any way shape or form and honestly I don't have any intentions of ever even getting engaged again in my life just trying to save myself from some major heartbreak. Not like that could help me with the problems that I have wrong in my life. Love do i truly believe in love yes and no I believe more in heartache than love seems im still pretty cold shouldered about love and its been like 7 years since I was engaged.

The Real World

Ahh, The Real World, the moment every teenager waits for, that seems like it takes an eternity to arrive. Honestly it feels like yesterday I graduation from high school and vocation school. Minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months, just seem to flash by me within a blink of an eye.

Is it because I work? or is simply suppose to be this way once school is over? I don't have much time for anything except work and more work. Once a month I will get a Saturday off of work, it so awkward having a Saturday off that I usually never know what to do. Except when I am staying with Justin in that case I just sleep in to around 2:00 PM and by then I wasted my one day off for the week on sleep. Sure I have time to Stay with Justin and I usually stay with him on Saturday evenings once I get off of work then go back to work on Monday morning and im pretty pissy cause Mondays are evil! Seriously though, time passes by so fast these days it is often times hard for me to believe the events that really just happened, it feels like everything was a dream and that life itself is one big dream.

How am I? Today I am in one of my better why moods, why? Because I seen one of my friends that I have not seen for a year ( they came in the bank). Work was hell today we was not busy all day until 4pm so of course we are so fucking busy until closing that we don't have the vault balanced, our work scanned, drawers counted and put away, etc. I was lucky that they let me leave at 5:18 the rest of them did not fully leave the bank until around 5:40. I know this is random but on my previous post about work I told you about how much bullshit I go through, I still go through all of that bullshit, only somedays is worse than others. I still believe it is because I am the youngest one there. We have a test this week that our Director of the bank is giving us, I studied and when my boss pre quizzed me I got A+ and everyone was pissed off because I knew it so their mouths started talking shit ( what a surprise there!).

I do have to get off of here because I am limited on time since I have to get up at 5am to get ready for work. Remember life slips away faster than what we imagine that it does, if there is something that you have always wanted to do or tell someone, do it because you never know when your last day is.

Jobs

Call me crazy, call me whatever you wish, but I seriously think the job world is seriously messed up. As you may or may not know, in August I got a job at a bank, I thought it was the greatest job ever, everybody was so nice and helpful and I loved doing what I did.

After a month of being there, everybody started acting they way I guess they normally do. Most of the employees were trying anything and everything to get the new employees to quit. They succeeded because one of them decided she had, had enough and quit. After she quit, they all started on me, and everything went out in the open. As a bank we have a highly confidentiality rule as well as a professional rule. Since nobody one here knows which bank I work for and who is my boss, I will go ahead and tell you about it.

I had made several mistakes within my first two weeks of work, I had a week long training but they didn't let us do anything, other than read guidelines for a week straight. So of course when I was let loose and nobody was there beside me or behind me to help me through I made some mistakes. My boss pulled me in her office and had a talk with me, she told me I am the normal rate of all new employees and that I need more improvement. After another week went by she had me to sign a paper saying if I wouldn't improve my job would be terminated. A few days later, everybody in the whole bank knew everything she had said to me and several of the employees that had been employees there for years yelled out loud to every worker and customer in the bank, that if I do one little thing wrong im fired. My boss did not pull me into her office and tell me that, my boss had told me I needed to improve not that I couldn't make a simple little mistake, I now have to be little Miss Perfect 24/7 when im at work. The sad thing is my boss overheard what this lady had told me and never did a damn thing about it, just smiled at me in the fakest way possible and hasn't said one word to me since. Since that incident I have pretty much been doing everybody's work, no matter where I go to the lobby or drive through the workers aren't doing there job they are sitting there on facebook or online shopping when we aren't suppose to be on either one of the two. And they don't help out the customers or have a care in the world about them, so I am left to take care of them all at the end of a month, talk about a busy day! Now every time I go to work I now wonder am I going to get fired today?

May 2012

Since the last time I posted here, things have changed a lot, I believe everything's changed for the better but there is many times where I strongly disagree. First off, I am glad to be back and I hope this time I don't randomly disappear for like 6+months, sorry about that to my fellow followers. A pile of new things has happened in my life and it is time you learn about them.

 I am sure you all knew that I was a senior in high school, I graduated from high school and vocational school back in May. But let's go back before graduation, in January sometime after David had left me I picked up smoking cigarettes and chewing, the chewing part didn't last long but I am still a cigarette smoker. Also in January I met someone who I had wanted to be friends with back in 2007 ( I was 13 years old). So I was helping out in the front office of my high school and Justin came in and wanted to pick up his brother, he was pretty damn shocked that I knew who he was and that he was picking up his brother Derek, the teacher that watched me help out at the main office questioned me and was really rude to Justin, little did I know that, day would change my life.

After that day Justin couldn't keep me out of his head, he asked many people about me, he didn't even know my name he just knew what I looked like and how nice I was too him. Luckily for Justin my female friend Megan, knew he was talking about me and I texted Justin from her phone to talk to him, the more I talked to Justin the more I learned that we have in common with each other. The last thing I texted to him I told him he should get a facebook so we can talk more and stay in touch better. After a few weeks he got a facebook, of course I didn't know about it right away but for some odd reason I had the urge to search for him and sure enough I found out that he did make a facebook, I added him and accepted me real fast, I started talking to him on his wall, we had even more in common. Then we started messaging each other and talked to each other everyday, every second we could, before I knew it, was time for me to end my senior year and join my other classmates in our senior activities. I told Justin about them all he even told me that we should see a movie together sometime. And sure enough we set a date, that date failed, so we set another date he was at my house by 11 and I was shocked to see he brought his brother with him, but since I am a girl I know that when you bring someone else with you, your playing it safe in case things don't go the way you want them to. At first when I was sitting in the theater with him I was nervous then it hit me, this was the first time that I had ever been on a real date with a boy ( technically he's a man since he is 23 and im 18) once Derek got tired of waiting for the movie to start he left Justin and I all alone, we just began talking non stop and when the movie was about ready to stop we still didn't want to stop talking. But once Men In Black 3 started, we all got quiet and wanted to watch it again, it was great. Justin made a pit stop after the movie and showed me where he lives and dropped his brother off, then took me home ( since I wasn't hungry and he kept offering to take me to places to eat lol.). Thanks to Corrdor H it only takes about 20 minutes to get from his house to mine, I glanced over at the speedometer and he was driving under the speed limit and there I was sitting beside him in the middle seat of his chevy truck, that I love. I was annoyed that my dad was home by the time we got back, but I was glad that they all had liked Justin. I let him play with a r/c car of mine and then we just sat on my front porch and talked for 7 hours straight, I couldn't remember the last time I had just sat down and talked to anyone like that before, because I don't remember anything like that ever happening to me before. I fed him grilled rabbit for dinner and let him go home. When he got home we continued to talk to each other till late at night, I was suppose to make peanut butter cookies for my senior picnic but I never did. I told him which picnic set our class would be at and that he could come over and hang out with me if he wanted too. Hours passed by and I was starting to get sad cause I didn't see him, sure enough by the time I got into my bikini and in the river there he was, he went in the river with me but had his hand behind my back and when I tripped he caught me, after that we just sat and talked, once I had to call my dad that I was ready to go home and get ready for my vocational school graduation, I hugged him and damn it was the best hug that I ever remember getting, it was nice, soft and just too perfect to describe. Justin was there in the bleachers cheering me on at my graduation, he wanted to be there, unlike my dad who even told me he could care less and that he didn't want to be there. Justin made me feel special, wanted, and loved, but of course my heart was still conflicted from the whole David thing, Justin knew about all of that, he didn't seem to let any of it bother me and he let me take my time. Each night that whole week Justin was there for me, none of my friends was there and with my family not really wanting to be there I just cared that he was there for me. Wednesday night he gave me pink roses, they were so beautiful, it had been years since I had ever gotten flowers, it still means a lot to me, but not as much as what it meant to me that he was there for me. He showed up at my house while I was getting ready for my high school graduation and there was something wrong I could sense it, but it was parents, being rude that really pissed me off. They threw a fit, because he came over to see me, I wasn't the only one that couldn't wait to see each other. He was there at my high school graduation as well and when my name was called I didn't hear anything else but him yelling for him, I looked up at him as I got my diploma and smiled. It was that night that I learned that my brother had said all kinds of bad things about Justin and got my parents against him, it didn't stop me from anything. Once we was both home from my graduation, I called him and told him everything, he started crying over the phone I think I felt worse than what he did, because my parents liked him and thanks to my brother he ruined it all. But that night, I managed to make him feel better, and he finally asked me out, since May 31, 2012 Justin and I have been together and I know I had let on like my past relationships were great, but this time it's with someone that loves me for who I am, not for what I could be.

Changes

A lot of things have changed since Thanksgiving break for the best is what I think. I know I last wrote to you all and I was in a bad mood and nothing was seeming to go right for me at all. Since the new year things have been going great for me and mine and David's relationship. Back in November my "best friend" and her mother had said many lies just so my so called best friend could have David. They never succeeded at giving her what she wanted, but they did make things harder for David and I. I have seen things through clearly that she was only my friend for she just wanted my fiance` and always told us both lies and tried to get us to break up. Since thanksgiving break, I have not stayed at that house or cleaned up after them what so ever. I have stayed back at my house with my parents. I have learned that the relationship between my parents and I are much better than what they have been for many many years. David and I are doing great also, we both love each other and have been through more than any typical high school couple has been through and survived it all. I am very grateful that things have worked out since then, however I can not say that that so called best friend and I even talk anymore. I know what she did and I truly seen the real her for the first time and I do not wish to ever have to put through that again in my life by anyone, especially not someone that claims to be my best friend... Don't get me wrong, I am still nice to her, but nothings the same I don't tell her anything or talk to her at all unless she just asks how my day is, which is all she ever asks and I give her a simple answer and thats it. I know it's not nice to be doing this, but i've been screwed over so many times by girls that claim to be my best friend, I will deal with made up lies and all of this drama anymore.